Well here I am again, exploring life and trying to figure out the ever-elusive question; “Who is Mike?” I’ve been down this road before too many times and I’m trying my damnedest to not follow the same path. I know right where that road leads to and I don’t need to be visiting there again. I wonder if by consciously realizing how many times I’ve been down that road, I am more inclined subconsciously to not travel the same path?
I guess only time will tell.
This is going to be a daily battle for a while.
There are things that I used to do without even thinking about it. Take praying for example. There was a time in my life when I used to pray constantly; first thing in the morning, last thing at night, anytime during the day I felt I need to talk to God. Not so much anymore. Now I have to first remember and even then, remind myself; and my memory is not what it used to be. (a subject for some future post) At least I haven’t forgotten how. I still talk to God like he was a friend. I sometimes wonder if he isn’t saying to himself, “puhlease”.
Every morning when I get up, I tell myself to be positive. There have been so many times in the past few months that I just wanted to run away. Relationship issues, work issues and financial issues have been pervasive. I have heard about and talked to people who have anxiety attacks and although they described them, I had never even imagined how it was that these attacks could be so debilitating.
Not until I had one myself.
I remember a time when I would sit on the edge of an ice flow for hours solely for the purpose to taking one photograph. I remember (and not so long ago) riding my mountain bike down Alpine slopes just for fun. I remember doing things like trudging though an icy cold mountain river or something as simple as watching children play for hours on end.
Where has that person gone?
More importantly, how do I find him?